Shrek - Adaptation
by cgaussie
Summary: Well, since in Adelaide I can't find the novel of Shrek anywhere, I just thought of writing it in my own way that's all. Sucky I know but... eh. I'm bored and I'm loosing the net soo.
1. Life Is Grand

Shrek Adaptation   
By: C.G   
  
Notes.   
1. This is pretty much the movie, but since I don't have the novelisation, I'm doing my own for fun.   
2. I don't really know why I felt like doing this.   
3. Even though you know how this ends, least give it a shot.   
4. That is all. Proceed with caution. Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all time and no standing.   
  
~*~   
  
Part One   
LIFE IS GRAND   
  
"Once upon a time there was a lovely princess,   
But she had an enchantment upon her of an awful sort,   
That could only be broken by true loves first kiss,   
She guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon,   
Many brave knights had tried to rescue her from the prison,   
But none prevailed,   
So she waited in the dragons keep,   
In the tallest room of the tallest tower,   
Where she waited for her true love,   
And true loves first kiss."   
  
"Hyeah, right! Like that's ever gonna happen… what a load of-" the voice that had once voiced the telling of a beautiful tale was now laughing heartily as he slammed his book shut after ripping a page from it, for his own personal use.   
  
After a flush of a toilet, the door of an outhouse was kicked open from the inside, and there stood the body that belonged to the voice. He wasn't exactly what you'd call Prince Charming, or a Frog. He was an ogre.   
  
He scratched his behind, pulling his pants from riding up on him, and closed the outhouse door behind him and surveyed his home. He lived in a swamp, that was anyone's first guess. The mud, the swamp itself, stinking plants… but this is where he called home.   
  
The house itself was the remains of a tree, hollow inside and the earth underneath it had been dug out so he lived underneath the tree, using it as a chimney. After his trip to the outhouse, began his daily ritual. He grabbed a nearby bucket and filled it full of mud.   
  
Next he hung it on a branch above him, flung his clothes off and had, what you would call, a shower. A mud shower that is. After his daily messy shower, he cleaned his teeth with what used to be inside an insect. Then he plunged himself into the swamp, and using his own physical needs, caught some fish which would go lovely with his dinner.   
  
Today was his painting day, he spent most of the day and afternoon painting a new sign which read "Beware Ogre!" and had a rather awful face of himself painted on it. Proudly he placed it in front of his house, and proceeded inside to have his dinner of slug, tadpoles and worm stuffed pumpkin.   
  
But unbeknownst to him, trouble was brewing. In the town nearby a group of men were preparing themselves for an attack. An attack upon the ogre. They grabbed their torches and pitchforks and readied themselves. Then they headed off into the swamp quickly.   
  
Meanwhile the ogre had finished his meal and was now relaxing, but his oddly shaped ears suddenly picked up on something. Sounds of people. He groaned to himself, lurched to his feet and glanced out his window. In the far distance he saw the group. With a roll with his eyes he left his house via the back door.   
  
After going through the swamp quickly and efficiently, he was soon stalking behind the would be hunters. Soon they came to a stop at the tall grass which was near his house. They observed the light coming from the warm fire inside.   
  
"Right… it's in there." Said a man who was holding a pitchfork.   
  
"Good. Let's get it!" declared one holding a torch, he made a run, but was stopped short by another man.   
  
"Hold on! Don't you know what that thing could do to you?" he asked, for he had heard awful things that ogres had been known to do. Him and some other men.   
  
"Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread!" said another.   
  
The ogre, who had been stood behind them, chuckled to himself. His chuckle was rather loud, and all the men turned and came face to chest with him. Since the ogre was tall, he looked down at them as he spoke as if he was good friends with the group.   
  
"Well actually, that would be a giant!" he exclaimed, some of the men yelped and began to back off. Taking this as an invitation, the ogre stepped forward each time they retreated.   
  
"Now ogres, oh they're much worse!" he went on happily, "They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!"   
  
"No!" cried a man,   
  
"They'll shave your livers!" he continued with each step.   
  
"Ah!!" came another cry,   
  
"And squeeze the jelly from your eyes!" at this point the men had stopped backing up, since they had no where else to back up to, and the ogre paused. "Actually it's quite good on toast." He added.   
  
He was suddenly startled as one man was now waving a torch at his face.   
  
"Back! Get back beast! I warned ya!" came the calls of the man, trying to find out of this beast, like the classic Frankenstein, was afraid of fire.   
  
The response he got, wasn't what he wanted. The ogre simply licked his hand, and put the fire out. The startled man dropped the torch.   
  
"Urm… right." He said simply.   
  
The ogre raised an eyebrow, then let loose an awful, horrible, ear bursting roar directly into the men's faces. They screamed in response as the ogre's roar continued to last, with bits of his dinner that was left in his mouth, shooting out and landing on some of the men faces.   
  
Soon he stopped and wiped his mouth, but the poor men still screamed, expecting him to attack. When he did not, they stopped screaming and stared at him, wide-eyed. He then leant in and whispered.   
  
"This is the part, where you run away."   
  
And they did just that. They dropped everything they had, and bolted out of the swamp as if a whole herd of ogres were after them. The ogre laughed to himself as he watched them run. This was one of his favourite pass times, scaring the snot out of any would be hunters.   
  
"And stay out!" he yelled after them. He turned to return to his home, when he spotted a piece of paper on the floor. He picked it up. It had the face of an elf on it.   
  
"Wanted, Fairy Tale Creatures." He read to himself. So that's why the men were after him, they wanted money for his capture. He rolled his eyes and tossed the paper away and headed back inside to get some good shut eye.   
  
To be Continued 


	2. Introductions are in Order

Part Two   
INTRODUCTIONS ARE IN ORDER   
  
The next day, not so far from the ogre's house, there was a lot of commotion. The captain of the guards, along with many guardsman were in a field. There along with them were many many cages and carriages set up like jails.   
  
To fill them, were fairy tale creatures. There were seven dwarves being lead off in chains, a unicorn being stuffed into a carriage along with other creatures of different sizes and races.   
  
There was a table set up in the centre of all the commotion, where the captain of the guards sat with bags of money around him. At the moment he was dealing with a man who had brought in a witch.   
  
"Right, that'll be 20 pieces of silver for the witch." He exclaimed as a guard snapped the witches broom in half. "Take her away." Came the order.   
  
The man walked off grumbling about the silver pieces, and passed an old woman who had a donkey with her. The donkey was observing the place, he saw the witch thrown into a carriage and hauled away. Then he spotted two cages besides each other. In one were two bears, one a Father (he had a pipe in his mouth), the other was the Mother (a bow in her hair). Besides them in a smaller cage sat a cub, who was crying.   
  
"This cage is so small!" he cried. The donkey gulped as he glanced behind him and saw a young boy with a cage which contained a little yellow fairy. Behind him stood a tall man who had three pigs, two under one arm, the other under the other.   
  
"Please don't turn me in, I'll never be stubborn again! I can change, gimmie another chance please!" cried the Donkey, speaking up. The woman frowned at him and raised her hand as if to hit him.   
  
"Shut up!" he declared, and he whimpered and 'shut up'.   
  
"Next!" came the voice of the captain. An elderly man wearing a smock walked to the table, and set down a puppet he had been holding.   
  
"Whaddya got?" asked the captain.   
  
"Dis little wooden puppet." Said the man. The puppet looked from the man to the captain.   
  
"I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!" he declared, but with that, his nose suddenly grew at least two feet. The captain of the guards, as well as the two guards besides him stared for a moment.   
  
"5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away." He ordered. The man was given his money, and he walked off as the puppet was taken in another direction.   
  
"Father please! Don't leave me! Help me!" came his cries, which were soon gone. Next is was the woman with the donkey.   
  
"Whaddya got?" came the same voice of the captain.   
  
"Well, I have a talking donkey!" exclaimed the woman, yanking on the donkey forward by the rope around his mouth.   
  
"Riiigghht... well that's good for 10 shillings, if you can prove it." Said the captain, since that day he had been given a lot of strange creatures. Like a stalk and a spinning top.   
  
"Oh-ho, go ahead little fella." Said the old lady, now sounding sweet and innocent as she took the rope off the donkey's mouth. But the donkey just looked from her, to the guards, and remained quiet.   
  
"Well?" asked the captain.   
  
"Oh he's just a little nervous, he's really quite a chatter box! Talk you miserable beast!" she raised her hand to slap him again, and the donkey stepped away.   
  
"That's it I've heard enough." Said the captain, getting impatient.   
  
"No, he can talk really!" said the old lady, she then grabbed the donkey's mouth and moved it, speaking herself.   
  
"I can talk! I love to talk! I'm the talk-iest damn thing you ever saw!"   
  
There was a pause.   
  
"Get her out of my sight." Said the captain. The guards, on his word grabbed the old lady who began to struggle.   
  
"No he can talk! Really!" she kicked here and there, and her foot then connected with the small cage of the young boy behind her. It soared into the air, that with it's small cargo being a fairy. It then landed on the donkey's head, and fairy dust sprinkled down upon him.   
  
Suddenly he began to rise into the sky, the donkey glanced around, shocked.   
  
"Hey, I can fly!" he declared.   
  
"He can fly!" cried the young boy,   
  
"He can fly!" declared the three little pigs,   
  
"He can talk!" cried the captain a the donkey soared into the air.   
  
"Haha! That's right fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You may have seen a dragon fly, maybe even a super fly, but you ain't never seen a donkey fly!" cheered the donkey as he soared away, but suddenly lost his altitude.   
  
"Uh... oh." He said, and then fell to the floor and landed on his rear.   
  
"Seize him!" screamed the captain.   
  
The donkey panicked as he was grabbed by two guards, but he wiggled loose and ran as fast as his little stubby legs could go. The guards, as well as the captain was in hot pursuit. The donkey kept on running as fast as he can, when he came to an abrupt halt.   
  
He had ran into something, or, someone. He shook his head and looked up, and there stood the ogre, who had been putting up a 'Keep out' sign on a tree. The ogre turned and looked down at the donkey, who just stared back.   
  
"This way! Hurry!" came the voice of some guards, the donkey looked behind him and then took cover behind the huge ogre as the captain and the guards ran up, and soon stopped when they saw the tall ogre stood there.   
  
"You there... ogre." Said the captain,   
  
"Aye?" came the reply from the ogre, hands how on his hips, annoyed that his day has been ruined again by company.   
  
"By the order of Lord Farquaad... I am authorised to place you both under arrest.." the captain's voice was shaking and nervous, due to the fact the ogre was walking towards him slowly.   
  
"..and transport you to a designated resettlement... facility..." the ogre was now stood right in front of him, and there was a deafening silence.   
  
"Oh really?" asked the ogre, leaning down so he was now face to face with the captain. "You 'n what army?" he asked, glancing behind the captain.   
  
The captain of the guards looked behind him, and noted how his guards had retreated. He took a leaflet out of their book and rocketed out of there as fast as he could after his men. The donkey chuckled to himself, and the ogre turned and walked away, hoping this would be the last he saw of both the guards and the donkey.   
  
The donkey watched his new hero walk off, then trotted after him.   
  
"Can I say something to you?" he asked, the ogre still walked on.   
  
"Listen you were really something out there." Said the donkey who was stood behind the ogre to his left. The ogre frowned and looked to his right, but found no donkey. He glanced to his left, but now the donkey went to his right. "Incredible." Claimed the donkey.   
  
The ogre, already annoyed turned around fully.   
  
"Are you talking to-" he stopped, there was no more donkey. "…me?" he blinked and shrugged, then turned back to where he was heading and was shocked to see the donkey now stood in front of him, giving off a started yell.   
  
"Yes I was talkin' to you!" declared the donkey as the ogre walked past him again. "You see you were really great back there! I mean you 'n those guards? They thought they were really somethin' then you came along-"   
  
The donkey hurried after the ogre, and stopped in front of him and reared onto his back hoofs and make an action move with one of his hoofs, making the ogre stop again. "And bam! They were trippin' over themselves like Babes in the wood! I loved seeing that, made me feel happy seeing that." declared the donkey.   
  
The ogre groaned and kept on walking, hoping the donkey will get the hint and leave, but he didn't.   
  
"Man it's good to be free!" added the donkey.   
  
"Oh that's great really." Said the ogre, speaking for the second time, and turned to the donkey. "So why don't you go celebrate with your own friends, hmmm?" he asked leaning down to the donkey. With that said, he walked off again as the donkey stood there.   
  
"But... I don't have any friends. An I'm NOT going out there by myself." Then he had a flash of inspiration. "Wait a minute I got a great idea! I'll stick with you!"   
  
The donkey hurried after the ogre, walking besides him happily, not seeing how annoyed the ogre was.   
  
"You're a mean green fighting machine! With you we'll scare the spit out of anybody who crosses us!" continued the donkey. The ogre came to a halt, then turned and gave off an all mighty roar right into the donkey's face, hoping this would scare him off and give him nightmares for weeks. The donkey stared, now an impressed look came across his face.   
  
"Oh wow! That was really scary!" he declared. The ogre, shocked, frowned and stomped off. "Now if that don't work your breath will certainly do the trick cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something cause your breath STINKS!"   
  
The ogre continued walking, and not hearing the donkey talk for about five seconds made him believe the donkey was gone. Once again he was wrong, the donkey suddenly looked down at him from above, it seemed a tree had fallen near the fallen earth the ogre was walking in, and the donkey was stood on it.   
  
"Man you almost ran my hair up my nose! Just like the time-" the ogre then grabbed the donkey's mouth with his hand, and held it there. The donkey kept talking either way, but it was muffled. The ogre removed his hand... "-I ate some off berries, man I had some strong gas seeping outta my butt that day!"   
  
"WHY are you following me?!" asked the ogre, now annoyed that nothing could shut the donkey up, then continued on his way home.   
  
"I'll tell you why." Said the donkey, who leaped off the tree. As he followed the ogre, he suddenly broke into song!   
  
"Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here besides me!" he came to a stop in front of the ogre, who stopped too. He continued singing, "My problems have all gone, there's no one to derive meee! But you gotta have friends!-"   
  
"STOP SINGING!" yelled the ogre, and the donkey actually did. "Dah, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!" declared the ogre as he grabbed the donkey by the ears and tail, and moved him out of his way.   
  
"Wowww... only a true friend would be that truly honest!" claimed the donkey. The ogre groaned.   
  
"Look, little donkey, take a look at me, what am I?" asked the ogre, opening his arms out. The donkey looked from the ogre's feet to his head.   
  
"Uuuummm... really tall?" was his first guess.   
  
"No! I'm an ogre! You know, grab your torch 'n pitchforks! ...doesn't that bother you?" asked the ogre after the donkey's poor guess.   
  
"Nope!" came the response.   
  
"...really?" asked the ogre, a little bit surprised.   
  
"Really really." Said the donkey happily.   
  
"Oh." Replied the ogre, not sure what to say.   
  
"Man I like you, what's your name?" asked the donkey. The ogre looked a little surprised, no one had asked him his name for a very very long time. It was almost as if he had forgotten it himself.   
  
"Uhh... Shrek." Replied Shrek after a moment, then went on his way again.   
  
"Shrek?" echoed the Donkey, seeing if he got it right, then followed Shrek. "You know what I like about you Shrek? You got that whole, 'I don't care what nobody thinks me' of thing, I like that I respect that."   
  
The donkey continued after Shrek as they headed up a flower filled meadow, then came to a stop. The small grassy meadowy hill over looked Shrek's swamp. Donkey stared.   
  
"Hoo! Look that that! Who'd wanna live in a place like that!" Donkey declared, with some disgust in his voice. Shrek put his hands to his hips.   
  
"That... would be my home." He claimed, then headed down the other side of the small hill. Donkey blinked, he really had put his hoof in it.   
  
"..and it is lovely! Really beautiful! It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget!" Donkey clambered on, then stopped as he saw a boulder.   
  
"I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder." Donkey claimed, then continued after Shrek again, but stopped when he saw the 'Keep Out' signs.   
  
"I guess you don't.. uh, entertain much." Donkey commented.   
  
"I like my privacy." Shrek claimed as he kept walking to his front door, and Donkey trotted after him.   
  
"You know what I do to! That's another thing we got in common! Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face 'n you try to give em a hint and they won't leave! Then there's that big awkward silence.. you know...?"   
  
There was a big awkward silence as Shrek looked back at Donkey. More silence.   
  
"Can I stay with you?" Donkey suddenly asked out of the blue, which shocked Shrek.   
  
"W-what?" he asked, taken back.   
  
"Can I stay with you, please?" Donkey added the magic word.   
  
"Oh of course!" Shrek declared sounding light-hearted.   
  
"Really?" Donkey asked.   
  
"No." Shrek said strictly, and turned again.   
  
"PLEASE don't leave me alone out here! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!" Donkey hurried up and had now pushed Shrek onto his front door with his hooves. There was a pause as he remembered what Shrek was.   
  
"Well... maybe, ya do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay PLEASE!" cried Donkey, getting hysterical.   
  
"OKAY! Okay!" Shrek finally gave in as Donkey dropped to the floor. "But for one night only." He added as he opened his door.   
  
"Oh yay!" declared Donkey, and he suddenly shoved past Shrek and leapt onto Shrek's recliner of crocodile skin.   
  
"No-no!" cried Shrek.   
  
"Oh man this'll be great! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories and in the mornin'... I'm making waffles!" declared Donkey as he sat on the recliner. Shrek groaned and held his hands out, as if to strangle the noisy intruder.   
  
"Where do uh, I sleep?" Donkey asked.   
  
"OUTSIDE!" screamed Shrek, pointing outside. Donkey blinked, and his ears drooped.   
  
"Oh... I see, I mean you don't know me and I don't know you..." Donkey said sadly as he leapt to the floor and began to walk out. "Here I go..." he walked past Shrek, and was now outside. "Goodnight." He said sadly, but was replied with a slammed door. He let out a sign.   
  
"You know I do like it outside, I was a donkey I was born out side." He claimed. Shrek, inside sighed to himself and walked away from the door.   
  
"I'll just sit by myself outside... I'm all alone, there's nobody here besides me... 


	3. Intruders

Part Three   
INTRUDERS   
  
Shrek sat at his table after making his dinner. He looked down at his dinner after sipping his drink which contained an eyeball on a stick. These were the time he enjoyed most. He was home, nice and warm, and not bothered by anyone at all. But he paused, and glanced at his front door.   
  
He had mixed feelings about this new acquaintance. Sure, it was the first creature not to judge him by his looks or what he was, but he sure was a talkative little creature.   
  
Meanwhile, Donkey was sat outside, trying to fall asleep on the front step which was hard to do seeing how it was cold, and he had no blanket.   
  
Back inside Shrek was now tucking into his slug, when he heard the front door creak open. Oh boy, annoyance during his dinner. He put his fork and knife on the table.   
  
"I thought I told ya to stay outside!" he cried as he stood up and headed to the door, hoping to shove Donkey back outside.   
  
"I am outside!" came Donkey's voice from outside.   
  
Shrek stopped dead. If Donkey was outside, then who had opened his door, and who was now moving around near his table? He headed back to his table and observed it, everything was normal. Shrek knelt and looked under, then heard voices from his table!   
  
"Well gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?" he spotted them. Walking amongst his food, were three white mice. Not only that, they were three blind mice! One tripped over his knife, while one knocked over his eye bottle.   
  
"What choice do we have? We've lost our home!" cried one. Shrek then spotted the third sat on his slug dinner.   
  
"What a lovely bed!" claimed the blind mouse, Shrek swatted at him.   
  
"Gotcha!" he declared, but when he opened his hand, the mouse wasn't there. Instead, it was now stood on his shoulder, sniffing his ear.   
  
"I found some cheese!" he declared, and bit Shrek's ear.   
  
"OW!" cried Shrek, and grabbed at the mouse again, who was now on his other shoulder.   
  
"Ergh, awful stuff." Commented the mouse as he leapt onto the dinner.   
  
"Is that you Gordan?" asked one mouse,   
  
"How did you know?" replied Gordan. Shrek, loosing his patience grabbed all three mice by their legs, since they had no tails.   
  
"Enough! What are you doing in my house?!" he asked, but he was stopped short by a blow to the side, and he dropped the mice. He turned and saw seven dwarves stood on the other side of his table, and on the table now was a coffin which had a see through lid. The girl inside had snow white skin, black hair, red ruby lips and was well.. dead.   
  
"Hey! Oh no no no no!" Shrek began to push the coffin off his table which was now a mess due to his squashed dinner, "Dead broad off the table!" he declared. The dwarves shoved it back.   
  
"Well where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!" declared one dwarf. Shrek stopped short.   
  
"Huh?" he asked. He hurried to his bed and opened the curtain which kept his bed hidden from sight, there, laid comfortably and in granny clothing ,was a wolf!   
  
"...what?" came the irritated voice of the wolf. Shrek, now on the verge of anger grabbed the wolf and dragged him through his house, where the dwarves were getting comfortable.   
  
"I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre!" Shrek shoved his door opened and hauled the wolf up in the air. "What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!" he screamed as he threw the wolf out of his house. But then he stopped.   
  
"Oh no… oh no!" Shrek screamed.   
  
His home. His lovely, quiet, peaceful swamp was no longer the way he wanted it. It was now swarming with creatures, there was many many beings now there. In the short distance he saw a large shoe, which seemed to have many children running around it, while an old lady was hanging up washing. Near that was two elves who were helping to navigate about four witches to land safely.   
  
Elsewhere there was a man in red clothing, playing pipe and surrounding him there hundreds upon thousands of rats all mesmerized by the song. Sat around a fireplace was two bears, one the Father and his cub sat next to him fast asleep. Elves, lepricons, witches, fairies, unicorns, pigs, wolves, stalks.. any magical creature you can think of, it was there in Shrek's swamp.   
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!?!" Shrek suddenly screamed, his voice echoing over all the noise of his swamp. Everyone and everything came to an abrupt halt, all looking at him. Those who were receiving soup from a lady dropped their bowls, elves huddled next to each other in fear.   
  
Shrek eyed everyone, then walked to some elves and dwarves.   
  
"Go on get outta here! Shoo!" he waved his hands, trying to scare them off. But this resulted in them running into his house!   
  
"Oh no no!" he ran after them, but they slammed the door on him. He stopped, and turned to face the large group, his eyes landed on Donkey and he frowned, rather viciously.   
  
"...hey don't look at me I didn't invite em!" Donkey replied.   
  
"Well gee, nobody invited us!" said the small puppet whose nose was now normal again.   
  
"Wh, what?" Shrek asked, walking towards him.   
  
"We were force to come here!" said the puppet, backing away.   
  
"By who?" Shrek asked, he wanted to get to the bottom of this, whoever had ruined his happy home will have a lot to answer for.   
  
"Lord Farquaard." Said a little pig, who had a brick layers hat on. "He huffed und he puffed und he... signed ze eviction notice." He said in a slight German accent.   
  
Lord Farquaard was gonna have a lot to hear from Shrek, that's for sure.   
  
"All right, does anybody know where this... Farquaard guy is?" Shrek asked the group. The creatures seemed to cringe at the mentioning of the Lord's name, he obviously was an evil blighter if he'd done this.   
  
"Anyone at all?" Shrek was desperate to get his swamp back.   
  
"Oh I do, I do!" came the voice of Donkey, happy that he knew where his friend Shrek wanted to go.   
  
"Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?" Shrek was basically pleading, he didn't want to go with Donkey of all people.   
  
"Pick me! Pick me! I know!" Donkey cried happily. A small cub waved his arm, but his father quickly put his arm down.   
  
"Anyone at all...?" Shrek asked again.   
  
"Me me me!" screamed Donkey, "Oh I know!"   
  
"All right... fine." Shrek finally gave in, it was either Donkey, or he'd have to ask a human for directions. Something he'd never do.   
  
"Attention, ALL fairy tale... things." Shrek addressed his huge audience, who was listening to his every word.   
  
"Do NOT get comfortable! Your welcome is already worn out. In fact I'm gonna go and see this Farquaard guy right now and get you ALL off my land and BACK where you came from!" Shrek exclaimed, thinking he was telling them things they didn't want to hear, he got the response he wasn't prepared for.   
  
Cheers. Applause. The creatures were giving him a standing ovation and were cheering loudly about him being their saviour and they were as good as save.   
  
"Urgh." Shrek groaned as he began walking, but suddenly found four little birds had draped him in a flower cloak. He pointed directly at Donkey.   
  
"You. Your comin' with me." He said darkly, and shoved the cape off him and started walking. The birds returned and dropped a flower crown on Donkey's head.   
  
"All right man that's what I like to hear! Shrek 'n Donkey! Two star ward heroes on a mission!" Donkey started after Shrek, who had grabbed a torch from an elf, which still had the elf attached, but with a few good shakes from Shrek, the elf was off.   
  
"On the road again," Donkey began singing again, "I can't wait ta get on the road again!" Shrek turned sharply and pointed at him.   
  
"What did I say about singing?" he asked.   
  
"...well can I whistle it?" Donkey asked as they started off again.   
  
"No."   
  
"Can I hum it?" Donkey asked again.   
  
"Ugh, all right..." Shrek replied. So Donkey began humming a song Shrek had never heard off, and the two would be heroes marched off into the swamp land while being waved off by all the creatures. 


	4. Bachelorettes and Mirrors

Part Four   
BACHELORETTES AND MIRRORS   
  
The lone figure marched down the corridor, a man with a purpose for why he was there. An evil man too might I add. As he walked along he readied himself, fixed his gloves and so forth. He approached the guarded door. The two guards straightened up for their Lord, then gave him access to the room.   
  
He marched up past them, and we see that he's only around four foot and doesn't even come to the waist of the two guards. Inside the room we see the head torturer, he seems to have a small figure in his grip and is holding the figure in a glass of milk.   
  
The lone figure, named Lord Farquaard coughed.   
  
"Enough! He's ready to talk..."   
  
The torturer, being named Thelonius turned to face his Lord. In his right hand was the small figure, it was a man made of Gingerbread, but he was missing his legs. Thelonius slammed the poor Gingerbread man on the torture table and walked away as his Lord approached.   
  
Lord Farquaard laughed evilly as he approached the table, but stopped when he reached the table. Seems the table was still at it's correct height, and not lowered to meet his satisfactions.   
  
"Ahem!" he called. The table was lowered. Farquaard towered over the poor Gingerbread man, then held out what used to be his small legs.   
  
"Run run run as fast as you can," Farquaard made the legs dance around the little man, "You can't catch me, I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!" he laughed again.   
  
"You're a monster!" cried Gingerbread man.   
  
"I'm not the monster here, YOU are!" Farquaard tossed one leg past the Gingerbread man, and crumbled the other one in his hand. "You and all those other fairy tale freaks, who are ruining my perfect world... Now tell me! Where are the others?!" Farquaard leaned down to the Gingerbread man after ruining his leg.   
  
"Eat me!" declared the brave little Gingerbread man, and spat in Farquaard's eye. Farquaard reared back, and removed the icing-spit from his eye.   
  
"I've tried being fair to you creatures, and now my patience has run out! Tell me where the others are or I'll-" Farquaard grabbed one of the Gingerbread man's little buttons, that were made of gumdrops.   
  
"Not the buttons!! Not my gumdrop buttons!" cried the Gingerbread man.   
  
"All right then, who's hiding them? Tell me!" Farquaard then shone a light down upon the Gingerbread man, who sat up and squinted.   
  
"Okay... I'll tell you. Do you know, the Muffin Man?" asked the Gingerbread man.   
  
"The Muffin Man?" asked Farquaard, intrigued.   
  
"The Muffin Man." Replied the Gingerbread man,   
  
"Yes... I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Durey Lane?" asked Farquaard. Gingerbread man blinked.   
  
"Well, she's married to... The Muffin Man." Came the response.   
  
"The Muffin Man?" asked Farquaard again,   
  
"THE MUFFIN MAN!" screamed the poor little man of Gingerbread.   
  
"She's married to the Muffin Man..." Farquaard paused to ponder his thoughts, when the door slammed open and in ran the Captain of the Guards.   
  
"My Lord, we've found it!" he declared.   
  
"Well what are you waiting for? Bring it in!" cried Farquaard.   
  
Two guards walked in, being careful not to drop the priceless item they held in their hands, that was covered with a sack. They hung it on the wall, and removed the sack. It was a mirror, but then smog began to gather within the mirror, then a face appeared. A white face that looked like a mask. It was...   
  
"Magic Mirror..." Farquaard said to himself, somewhat breathlessly. He had been searching for the Mirror since he could remember, and now, it was his.   
  
"Don't tell him anything!!" cried the Gingerbread man, but he was silenced as Farquaard shoved him into the bin, then approached the mirror.   
  
"Mirror Mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?" he asked.   
  
"Well, technically you're not a king." Came the response. Not the response Farquaard wanted.   
  
"Uh, Thelonius?" he said, his torturer held up a small mirror, and broke it with his fist. The Magic Mirror's face retreated in fear.   
  
"You were saying?" asked Farquaard.   
  
"Uh, I meant, uh... You're not a king yet. Heh. But you can become one, if you marry, and Princess." Said the Mirror, thinking fast.   
  
"Go on." Farquaard replied.   
  
"So... um... just sit back and relax my Lord, and prepare to meet today's allegeable backelorettes, and heeeerrrreee they are!" the face vanished from the mirror, and there was a colourful wall. Three images hung on it, all darkened.   
  
"Bachelorette number one is a flighty girl from the land of fancy. She likes sushi and hot tubbing, anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil step-sisters. Please welcome, Cinderella!" the Mirror commentated, and the first picture turned to reveal the image of a beautiful blonde woman in a gold gown, and putting her foot into a glass slipper.   
  
"Bachelorette number two is from a kingdom far far away. Even though she lives with seven other men, she ain't easy. Just kiss her dead frozen lips to find out what a live wire she is! C'mon give it up for, Snow White!" The image turned to show Snow White, in a see through coffin. Seem familiar?   
  
"And lastly, Bachelorette number three comes from a dragon guarded castle hanging above a lake of molten lava! Don't let that cool you off! She's a fiery red head who loves Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!" The image revealed a red headed girl in a green dress looking out a window,   
  
Farquaard didn't know which to pick, all were so inviting, well maybe not the dead one but still... the Captain of the Guards and the guards, as well as Thelonius called out which one to pick.   
  
"Number three, pick number three my Lord!" called Thelonius, holding up two fingers.   
  
"Umm, err... number three!" Lord Farquaard declared, and everyone cheered.   
  
"Lord Farquaard, you've chosen, Princess Fiona." The Mirror made her image show again, this time a jingle played in the background.   
  
"Princess Fiona... she's perfect." Said Farquaard, he turned away from the mirror. "Now all I need to do is find somebody to go..." he pondered.   
  
"I should probably mention the small thing that happens when it's night." The Mirror began, but was shushed by Farquaard.   
  
"Quiet! I shall make this Princess Fiona my Queen. Captain! Assemble your troops. We're going to have a tournament!" 


	5. WWF?

Chapter Five WWF?  
  
The journey already had taken too long for Shrek, and Donkey had talked all the way. And they even had to stop and ask for directions from some man with a long beard and pointed hat. Soon the two were walking through a field of Sun Flowers, and then entered what appeared to be a place for people to park their carts.  
  
"Ah 'n there it is! Duloc, told you I'd find it!" Donkey exclaimed happily.  
  
Shrek looked up at the very tall castle and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Do ya think he's confiscatin' fer somethin?" he asked to Donkey, and he chuckled to himself. Donkey's response was a blank stare.  
  
"Never mind." Shrek groaned, and walked past a sign indicating "You are parked in Lancelot".  
  
"Hey, hey wait up Shrek!" Donkey galloped after Shrek as the two approached a man who had a fake head of Farquaard over his own.  
  
"Excuse me? Hey!" Shrek called out to the man, but the man screamed, well who wouldn't seeing an ogre that just appeared out of nowhere? The man began running through the maze-like walkway made for people to enter Duloc, screaming all the while.  
  
"Hey no, wait! I'm not gonna eat ya, I wanna-" Shrek stopped, it was like talking to a brick wall. He gave up and walked right through the walkway, dragging the stands and rope. The man eventually crashed into the entrance, his fake head was too big for him to enter.  
  
Shrek and Donkey stared down at the man, then glanced at each other. Shrek rolled his eyes and headed through the entrance gate, it had a rotating object making only one person get through at once. Him being so fat, he had to go in through sideways.  
  
Course Donkey got somewhat stuck, and eventually got through. The two walked up to a grassy square, made to look like Farquaard's face. All around, the small city was painted blue, and everything looked the same. But it was quiet.  
  
"It's quiet..." Shrek mumbled as he looked at a shop called 'Le Old Souvenir Shoppe' filled with Farquaard dolls. "Too quiet."  
  
Donkey then spotted a white and blue booth labelled 'Information'.  
  
"Hey lookit this!" he declared, and galloped up to it and pulled on a lever with his mouth. The booth began to make a ticking sound, and Donkey retreated behind Shrek. The ticking quickened, then the booth opened to reveal little wooden people!   
  
Boys and girls, to the left was a jail with little boys in the jury and a judge, even a little person in jail! And they all sang, while a surprised Donkey and Shrek watched on.  
  
"Welcome to Duloc, Such a perfect town! Here we have some rules, Let us lay them down! Don't make waves, Stay in line, And we'll all get on fine, Duloc is the perfect place! Please keep off of the grass, Shine your shoes, Wipe your... face! Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is the perfect place!"  
  
The doors slammed a quickly as the opened, and there was a sudden flash. From the booth came a small picture, it shown Shrek and Donkey with quite disturbed and puzzled faces. Written beneath read 'Welcome to Duloc'.   
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Wooowwww... Let's do that again!!" Donkey galloped to the lever, to pull it again.  
  
"No no Donkey no!" Shrek grabbed Donkey's tail and yanked him back to him. "No."  
  
Then they heard in the distance came the trumpeting of trumpets, then a voice rang out,  
  
"People of Duloc..."  
  
Shrek and Donkey headed off to where the sound was coming from, Donkey now humming the 'Welcome to Duloc' song to himself happily. Shrek stopped and pointed at him.  
  
"Right your goin' the right way for a smacked bottom." He said sharply.  
  
"Sorry about that." Donkey said, hanging his head.  
  
The two then entered the arena. The entire town had been gathered there, while their Lord Farquaard, was speaking to them. In the arena there was a square fence-like apparatus, where two horses were stood. Near by there was two huge barrels and a table with mugs next to that.   
  
But in the dead centre was at least a dozen knights in shining armour, listening to their Lord.  
  
"Whoever wins, has the honour, no no, the privilege! Of going to rescue the fair and beautiful Princess Fiona. But if the winner is unsuccessful, the runner up will take his place... and so on and so forth. Some of you may die-" at that, a few moans were heard, "but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make."  
  
At that the entire arena burst into applause, the one reason being there was a man stood there with a big cue card reading 'APPLAUSE'. Shrek had heard enough, and walked up through the knights, who stepped back in fear to see an ugly green ogre amongst them, that and a donkey.   
  
There were shocked voices from the crowds and so forth and so on, and Farquaard raised his eye brows.  
  
"Urgh, what is that? Ewuw... it's hideous!" he declared. Shrek blinked as his ears raised.  
  
"Aw that's not very nice." He then glanced at Donkey who was stood behind him, then turned to Farquaard again. "It's only a donkey." He added.  
  
"What?" Donkey said to himself.  
  
"Indeed..." Farquaard then was struck with a rare flash of inspiration! "Knights! New plan! The one who kills the Ogre, will be named Champion!"  
  
This got a big response from everyone in the arena! Shrek looked shocked, Donkey looked terrified, the crowd gave out mixed emotions and the Knights turned on Shrek, swords and lances held up to him as he backed away quickly.  
  
"Hey! Hang on a minute now!" Shrek declared, he would at least try to make peace before he'd do anything rash ional, but then he ran out of retreating room, since he bumped into one of the tables. He grabbed a mug and turned to the Knights,  
  
"Can't we settle this over a pint?" he asked, the only response was the Knights getting closer, and a villager calling out,   
  
"Kill the beast!"  
  
"No?" Shrek asked, since he got no response. Donkey made the best move and ran out of harms way as quickly as he could as Shrek then downed the remaining contents of the mug.  
  
"All right then, COME ON!" Shrek then turned sharply and slapped the mug into the large barrel's tap, and bear burst through knocking all the Knights over due to the mud now on the ground, and the sheer force of the mud. From them on, chaos ruled.  
  
Shrek ran through the Knights, and grabbed a staff and using that knocked a few Knights to their feet.   
  
Meanwhile Donkey had ended up on top of one of the large barrels, and due to his weight it shifted and rolled along on the ground, him on top, squashing a good number of Knights in his path.  
  
While this happened Shrek had leaped into the pen, and the two horses left quickly. He then threw all his weight into one side, and flew back as two Knights entered, and using his fists and the force he was travelling at, knocked them out cold with one thump.  
  
Knight after Knight ended, one ended up having Shrek leap on him from one of the wooden stilts holding the pen together; another was body slammed; another got knocked out by Donkey head-butting him; one got a chair slammed onto his head.  
  
Pretty soon all the Knights were defeated, and the only standing person in the fighting ring was Shrek, oh and Donkey. He left the pen and waved to the now cheering crowd. He pulled some mean poses, and waved happily again.  
  
"Thank you very much! I'm here 'till Thursday! Try the veal!" he laughed heartily, never had so many people liked him and he actually enjoyed himself doing what he loved most! Suddenly everything went quiet and he soon noticed there were guardsman all around the arena, an all their slingshot arrows were pointed directly at him and Donkey.  
  
"Shall I give the order, Sir?" the Captain of the Guards asked Lord Farquaard.  
  
"No..." Farquaard replied as he looked the hideous beast over. He raised his arms suddenly. "People of Duloc, I give you, your champion!"  
  
The applause came again, louder then before and more happy and bright, while Shrek just looked at a loss, so did Donkey in fact.  
  
"What?" Shrek asked, completely astonished.  
  
"Well done Ogre, you are now to embark on a noble quest." Farquaard explained happily. Shrek frowned.  
  
"Nobel quest? I'm already on a quest! A quest to get my swamp back!" Shrek declared.  
  
"Your swamp?" Farquaard asked, as if Shrek had made an awful stink.  
  
"Yes, MY swamp. Where YOU dumped all those fairy tale creatures!" Shrek accused, pointing at the Lord.  
  
"I see. Tell you what Ogre, here's the deal. You go on this quest, and then you'll get your swamp back." Farquaard thought fast, seemed these flashes of inspiration kept coming.  
  
"Exactly the way it was?" Shrek asked,  
  
"Down to the last slime covered toadstool." Farquaard added.  
  
"And the squatters?" Shrek wanted them to be gone as well.  
  
"As good as gone!" Farquaard exclaimed.  
  
Shrek looked at the guardsmen, then at Donkey, then at Farquaard.   
  
"...what kind of quest?" he asked. 


	6. Onions grow hairs?

Chapter Six  
ONIONS GROW HAIRS  
  
The sun flowers stood happily in the sun, basking in it's warm rays. But the happiness was soon halted from being bent over to make room for a smelly ogre and a talking donkey.   
  
Shrek 'n Donkey had recently left Duloc, with their new mission in their minds. And Shrek had just picked up a few snacks in the farm they were walking through, an onion and some corn cobs.  
  
"So lemme get this straight. Your gonna go and save a princess in a castle so Farquaard can give you back your swamp which you already have but you don't want since it's full of freaks?" Donkey asked in a long sentence. Shrek looked back at him.  
  
"You know, maybe there's a good reason why Donkey's shouldn't talk." He claimed, then kept walking.  
  
"I don't get you Shrek, I mean why don't you just get rid of em yourself? You know, lay a seize on his fortress, grind his bones fer your bread, you know the whole ogre thing." Donkey hurried up so he was walking besides Shrek.  
  
"Oh I know, I could have decapitated an entire village 'n stick their heads on a pike, cut open their insides and drink their fluids. Does that sound like a plan to you?" Shrek stopped and looked down at Donkey for a moment.  
  
"...no not really." Donkey felt sicked by the whole idea.  
  
"You know there's a lot more to Ogres then people think." Shrek added as he began walking.  
  
"Example?" Donkey asked.  
  
"Example? Ogres are..." Shrek glanced down at the food he was holding, and produced the onion to Donkey, "Ogres are like onions!" he declared. Donkey gave the onion a sniff.  
  
"They stink?" Donkey asked after wriggling his nose.  
  
"Yes-no!" Shrek caught on, yes they did stink but he didn't mean that example.  
  
"They make you cry?" Donkey asked,  
  
"No!" Shrek never heard of an ogre making someone cry,  
  
"Ohhh you leave em out in the sun they turn brown and start sprouting little white hairs?" Donkey asked, since he'd seen it happen. Shrek lost his cool.  
  
"NO! Onions have layers," Shrek ripped the onion in half, showing it's layers.  
  
"Ogres, have layers, Onions have layers.. we both have layers! There." He tossed the onion to the ground and marched off. Donkey stood there.  
  
"Ohhh you both have layers!" he gave the onion a second sniff, still stunk. "You know not everybody likes Onions." He thought of anything else that had layers, and it came to him. "Cake!" he galloped after Shrek, "Everybody loves cake, cake has layers!"  
  
"I don't CARE what everyone likes!" Shrek turned to Donkey, "Ogres are not like cakes!" really, ogres like cakes... he started walking again.  
  
"How about piaffe? Piaffe has layers and everybody likes piaffes. You'll never meet a person and say 'Hey wanna get some piaffe' and the person goes 'Hell no I don't like no piaffe' Piaffes are delicious!" Donkey declared as he trotted after Shrek again.  
  
"NO! You idiotic beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! See ya later." Shrek, now finished with his outburst, stormed off through some corn. Donkey stood there for a moment.  
  
"Piaffe is probably the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet." Donkey continued as he trotted after Shrek through the corn.  
  
"You know, I think I liked you humming." Shrek said in an annoyed tone.  
  
"You got a tissue? Cause even the word piaffe makes me drool..."  
  
The two kept walking all the way through the day, pausing for Donkey to do his business behind a tree, and other reasons. They stopped when it got too dark, and slept by a fire place. Course in the morning Shrek tried putting it out with his shoe, which got really hot and Donkey put it out the old fashioned way - and got a disgusted look from Shrek.  
  
Soon they came to a tall volcano-like mountain, and began going up. Soon they were near the top, Donkey behind Shrek like he had always been, but suddenly a foul smell filled his nostrils and he reared back suddenly.  
  
"Whooo!! Shrek did you do that? Man you oughta warn people before you go off blastin' like that, my mouth was open 'n everything!" Donkey complained as he went to the side of Shrek to avoid the smell. Shrek grinned and turned to Donkey.  
  
"Believe me Donkey if it was me, you'd be dead." Shrek paused, and sniffed the air. "It's brimstone. We should be getting close." Shrek continued to walk, and Donkey continued to complain.  
  
"Yeah brimstone... I know what I smelt and it was no brimstone, and it come off no stone neither." Donkey muttered to himself. Soon the two climbed over the very top of the volcanic-like structure, and stopped dead. Ahead of them was a wasteland, then an old bridge that stretched across the lake of lava and in the middle of the lake was the castle.   
  
"...sure it's big enough, but look at the location!" Shrek declared. He laughed heartily to himself, and climbed over and began walking towards the bridge.  
  
"Hey um... Shrek? Remember what you were saying about Ogres being like onions?" Donkey asked as he slowly followed up the rear.  
  
"Oh aye?" Shrek asked.  
  
"Well.. um.. Donkey's don't have layers." Donkey stopped to look at a skeleton that was long since dead. "We wear our fear right out on our sleeves." He added as he came to where Shrek was, stood next to the bridge.  
  
"Now wait a moment, donkey's done have sleeves!" Shrek said in a light-hearted way.  
  
"You know what I mean." Donkey said.  
  
"Oh you can't tell me you're afraid of heights." Shrek claimed, that was the last thing he needed.  
  
"No.. I'm just a bit uncomfortable about walking over a rickety bridge of a boiling lake of lava!" Donkey declared, looking at the lava.  
  
"Now come on Donkey, I'll be right here. For emotional support, we'll just tackle this one little baby step at a time." With this Shrek somewhat patted-shoved Donkey first.  
  
"Really?" Donkey asked nervously.  
  
"Really really." Shrek said.  
  
"Okay... that makes me seem a whole lot better." Donkey said, and began walking.  
  
"Just don't look down." Shrek added calmly. The two began walking across the bridge, Donkey muttering to himself about not looking down. All of a sudden his hoof broke an old piece of wood, and it fell to the lava and Donkey ended up looking down.  
  
"Ah! SHREK! I'm looking down! AHH!" Donkey screamed and turned around suddenly, "Turn around I wanna go back!" he cried.  
  
"Oh come on, we're already half way there!" Shrek pointed to show, but Donkey wouldn't look.  
  
"Yeah sure but I know that half is safe!" Donkey cried again.  
  
"Look I don't have time for this, you go back 'n I'll keep going." Shrek continued walking forward, while Donkey tried to push past the big ogre, to no avail.  
  
"Shrek no I wanna go back I wanna go-AHH!! DON'T DO THAT!"  
  
Shrek had suddenly moved violently to the side, making the bridge sway roughly, making Donkey freeze on the spot.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry, do what?" Shrek asked, a small evil grin crossing his face. "Oh this?" Shrek then lurched to the side, making the bridge sway again.  
  
"Yes that!" cried Donkey, paralysed with fear with the idea of falling from the bridge to an untimely end.  
  
"Yes? Do it... okay!" Shrek then lurched from side to side as he walked, swinging the bridge, causing Donkey to scream and cry out as he backed away since Shrek was coming, and there was no way around him.  
  
"Noo! Shrek! No no no! Oh I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die!" Donkey stopped his screaming when he noticed, due to Shrek's swinging he had backed up all the way to the other side of the lava lake. Shrek smirked and walked up, and patted him on the cheek.  
  
"That'll do Donkey, that'll do." He said, then walked past. Donkey remained stood there, and looked at the bridge then at his green compadre.  
  
"Cool!" he declared, then trotted after him. "So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck anyway?"  
  
"Inside, waiting for us to rescue her." Shrek relied as he walked across the almost demolished real bridge.  
  
"I was talkin' about the dragon Shrek." Donkey said quickly. 


	7. Dragon Eyes

Chapter 7  
DRAGON EYES  
  
The castle was long ago forgotten by anyone, that was plain as rain. It laid in ruins, most of the towers had crumbled, only one still standing tall. But within the castle itself, alters had crashed, statues ruined and scattered all over the place were the remains of would-be heroes. Such as burnt armour, and skeletons.  
  
Donkey would jump out of his fur any moment if he heard anything, and was sticking close to Shrek, who didn't seem bothered at all by his surroundings.  
  
"You scared?" Donkey asked as he glanced around nervously.  
  
"No... but SHHH!" Shrek put his finger to his lips, hoping to get some quiet even in this place.  
  
"Oh good me neither..." Donkey replied as Shrek walked off. Donkey glanced at a fallen alter and saw a flattened knight under it, yelped, and hurried after Shrek.  
  
"Not like, there's anything wrong with being afraid... Fear is a natural reaction to a certain predicament... like a dragon that breaths fire and knights, it's not bad about being afraid of that, no.. I'm not afraid." Donkey suddenly tripped and fell into a heap of remains that used to be a few knights, one of the knights helmets ending up on his head.  
  
"Donkey, two things." Shrek turned to Donkey, and counted on his fingers. "Shut... up." He then pulled the helmet off Donkey's head, "Now go over there and see if you can find some stairs."  
  
"Stairs? I thought we were looking for the Princess?" Donkey asked after glancing in a direction.  
  
"The Princess will be up the stairs, in the tallest tower." Shrek put the helmet on, then put on the shoulder armour, knee and gloves.  
  
"How do you know she'll be there?" Donkey enquired.  
  
"I read it in a book once." Shrek replied, slamming the hood part down over the helmet, and walked away.  
  
"Well cool. You deal with the dragon, I'll handle the stairs." Donkey trotted off, "I'll find those stairs, I whip their butt too! They don't know which way they'll going!"   
  
Soon Donkey pushed a giant door opened, and entered what used to be a huge dance hall.  
  
"I'll kick em to the curb! Don't mess with me I'm the stair master!" he stopped after he climbed a small set of stairs, unaware that a huge green eye had just opened and was looking at him. A low rumble was heard, which froze Donkey in his tracks and thoughts.  
  
Meanwhile Shrek had entered a square and saw a light on in the tallest tower at the top.  
  
"Well... least we know where the Princess is. But where's the-"   
  
"DRAGON!!!" Donkey's voice screamed out suddenly from within the castle, Shrek turned and saw Donkey running as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, and behind him he saw a long shot of flame shoot out from somewhere. Suddenly there was a large crashing sound, and a huge, red, very angry dragon emerged and was chasing Donkey.  
  
Donkey kept on running and was soon near Shrek when the Dragon opened it's wings and blasted out another fire shoot, Shrek saw what trouble Donkey was in, and shoved him to the side.  
  
"Donkey look out!" he then ducked himself to avoid being flamed, but Donkey kept running and had nowhere to go, and feeling the dragon's hot heavy breath on his hind legs he sprawled out onto the ground and covered his face in fear. The dragon breathed fire again, lighting Donkey's tail, causing him to scream out.   
  
The dragon, eyeing Donkey as a meal walked up and was about to chomp down on him when it felt something grab a hold of it's tail, it turned it's powerful head around and saw Shrek, who had a hold of it's tail.  
  
"Gotcha!" Shrek cried out, the dragon turned it's attention to Shrek as Donkey ran into the base of the tall tower.   
  
The dragon was obviously peeved at having something like Shrek a hold of it's tail, the dragon then began to wave it's tail around, shaking and trying to get Shrek off, but Shrek held on. But suddenly with a mighty swing, Shrek lost his grip and went soaring into the air, and crashed through the roof of the tallest tower, being knocked out by his landing and laid unconscious on the floor, unaware of the red-haired Princess who was laid on the bed.  
  
Meanwhile back on the ground, the dragon suddenly breathed a great deal of fire into the base of the tower, which flushed the Donkey out. Donkey was now running along a bridge that connected the tower with another, but with one swipe of the dragon's tail soon Donkey couldn't go further or backwards.  
  
He shook with fear as the dragon reared up and spread it's wings to their full wingspan, and let out a humongous roar.  
  
"AHH! Oh... Oh my what large teeth you have!" Donkey cried out, the dragon roared in response. "I mean large white sparkling teeth!"  
  
The dragon paused, and stared at Donkey.  
  
"I'm, I'm sure you hear this from your food often but you must bleach or something, cause that's one dazzling smile you got there!" Donkey tried to buy some time, for him to think of something. The dragon seemed very flattered by Donkey's comments on it's teeth, and let out a soft rumble.  
  
"And, and you know what else? You know what else?" Donkey tried to think up something, until the dragon's head bowed down closer to him and he noticed the dragon had pink lipstick on, and eye shadow as well as long eyelashes.  
  
"Your.. a girl dragon! Oh I mean, of COURSE you're a girl! I mean it's so plainly obvious because your reeking of feminine beauty!" The dragon, obviously smitten by Donkey's kind words fluttered her eyelids at him,  
  
"What's the matter with you, you got something in your eye?" Donkey asked, wondering why she was batting her eyelids. The dragon replied with blowing a small ring of smoke into Donkey's face, which to her, formed the shape of a heart.  
  
"Uh-oh... whoa... you know I'd really love to stay," Donkey waved away the smoke with a hoof, "But I'm an asthmatic and I don't think it'll all work out with you blowing smoke rings..." Donkey turned away from her, wondering where his friend was, "SHREK!" he cried.  
  
Seeing her chance, the dragon picked up Donkey by the tail!  
  
"WHOA!! NO NO!!" Donkey screamed as the Dragon happily left the square and back into the castle with Donkey.  
  
"SHREK! HELP!" Donkey's voice soon vanished from ears length.  
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile up in the tower, Shrek was regaining consciousness. He slowly got to his knees, still unaware of the Princess, still on the bed. She looked the bulky figure of the, to her, man as he got to his feet.  
  
He had finally come, her knight in shining armour had come to rescue her! An idea came to her, and she laid out on the bed, then grabbed a bunch of flowers and laid there again, eyes shut.  
  
Shrek then turned around and saw her, light was penetrating through the only window, making the Princess look like she was some heavenly vision of wonder, well to a human anyway. He made his way up to her bed, and stoped at the bedside, and looked down upon her.  
  
The Princess Fiona could sense the knight being closer to her, and she slowly puckered her lips up ready to be kissed. Shrek's hands went to her shoulders and...  
  
"Wake up!" he suddenly shook her roughly, 'awakening' her.  
  
"What?!" asked Fiona, shocked by the awakening.  
  
"Are you, Princess Fiona?" Shrek asked, the helmet still over his face, covering his ogre appearance.  
  
"I am, awaiting a Knight so bold as to rescue me." She replied, smiling at her saviour.  
  
"Oh that's nice, now let's go." Shrek turned to leave, Fiona sat up on her bed.  
  
"Wait sir Knight! This be'th our first meeting, should it not be a romantic occasion?" she threw herself back onto the bed, with the back of her hand to her forehead.  
  
"Hmm, yes. But no time." Shrek grabbed her by the hand, hauled her to her feet and lead her to the door.  
  
"But this is all wrong! Your supposed to swoop in, sweep me off my feet then out yonder window onto your noble steed!" Fiona cried out as Shrek tried his hand at the door handle, which promptly fell off. He turned to her.  
  
"You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?" he asked, she nodded in reply. Shrek, annoyed at the door put all his weight into it and smashed the door down. Once outside, he ran down the stairway, lugging Princess Fiona with him.  
  
"But we have to savour this moment!" Fiona cried as Shrek grabbed a torch.  
  
"Sorry no time." He replied.  
  
"But you can recite a romantic poem to me! A sonnet? A limerick?! Or something!" They had finally reached the base of the tower, and Fiona freed her hand from his.  
  
"I don't think so." Shrek replied.  
  
"Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?" she asked, since he had never introduced himself.  
  
"Uhmmm... Shrek." Shrek replied as he looked around, wondering where Donkey was.  
  
"So Shrek," Fiona held out a handkerchief to Shrek, "I pray that you take this favour, as a token of my appreciation." Shrek took it from her,  
  
"Uh, thanks." He wiped his grotty brow and handed it back to her.   
  
Suddenly the roar of the dragon echoed through the castle, Fiona turned to Shrek in surprise.  
  
"You didn't slay the dragon!?" she asked.  
  
"It's on my to-do list, now COME ON!" Shrek grabbed her hand and began pulling her through the castle, after the dragon's roar.  
  
"This isn't how it's supposed to happen! Your supposed to charge it, battle the dragon! That's what all the other Knights did!" Fiona exclaimed,  
  
"Yeah, just before they burst into flame!" Shrek eyed a knight's skeleton in it's armour, and on the wall was the imprint of the flame an the knight.  
  
"That's not the point!" Fiona cried.   
  
They had entered a room, where there was a giant cooking pot and besides it a cook book with a Knight's picture on it. Shrek released Fiona from his grip and headed off.  
  
"Wait where are you going? The exit's over there!" she pointed.  
  
"Well I hafta save my ass." Shrek replied, as he headed to a door leading to the dragon's keep.  
  
"What kind of knight are you?" Fiona asked, since this knight was obviously not like any other she'd met.  
  
"One of a kind." Shrek replied, and vanished into the room. He could hear Donkey's voice, but couldn't make out what he was saying. He looked down from the balcony and saw the dragon sat on a large pile of gold, her tail wrapped around Donkey, cooing whenever he spoke. As Shrek came closer, he could hear.  
  
"...I'm no ready for a... physical relationship of this uh.. magnitude, yeah that's the word I was looking for." Dragon was listening to his every word, then ran her claw along his back.  
  
"Hey that is unwanted physical contact!" Donkey declared, then Dragon raised her head hight and lighted the chandelier that hung in the air above the two. "Hey what are you doing?!"  
  
Shrek then noticed the chandelier was round, like a collar and the chain was connected to the ceiling, and an idea formed in his green oddly shaped head. He grabbed onto the other end of the chain and began climbing up it.  
  
"Hey what are you doing?! That's my tail, that's my personal tail aw your gonna tear it off!" Donkey was in some distress since the dragon was now playing with his tail, with her mouth!  
  
Above them Shrek looked up at the reel which had the chains all rolled around it, and began to pull on the chain he was hanging from, then it began to move and then Shrek lost altitude, at the same moment the female dragon was leaning down to give Donkey a smooch on the lips, Shrek lands directly on Donkey, shoving Donkey through the dragon's tail onto the ground, but the dragon ended up kissing Shrek's rear!  
  
And the dragon was obviously angry about this, her head reared up and roared, the moment Shrek let go of the chain. The chandelier fell over her head, like a collar and chain. At that moment Shrek and Donkey ran from the room, up the stairs that surrounded the room.  
  
Dragon lifted her head up and roared, and spat fire out at the being who was stealing Donkey away from her, but the two dodged easily. Up on the balcony Fiona had entered, Shrek, who now had Donkey under one arm raced towards her and carried her under his other arm while running quickly.  
  
"Hi Princess!" Donkey declared happily,  
  
"It talks!" Fiona cried out in surprise,  
  
"Yeah it's gettin' him ta shut up that's the trick!" Shrek replied.  
  
Shrek stopped sort, there wasn't anywhere left to run, only to slide down what used to be a stone alter, and with the dragon in hot pursuit, and I mean hot, he had no other choice but to slide down, hitting bumps and cracks in his sensitive area along the way. They finally landed, and what ensured was a classic chace. Shrek, carrying Donkey and Princess Fiona ran throughout the castle, zig-zagging through the alters, and as the dragon followed, the chain from the new collar weaved around them.   
  
Soon Shrek came to a halt and let go of the two,  
  
"You to, head for the exit!" he cried, Donkey and Fiona didn't have to be told twice and the two were soon running and soon out of sight, "I'll take care of the dragon." Shrek claimed as he picked up a sword, then jammed it down between two chain locks which intervened with each other.  
  
Shrek then high tailed it out of there, and turned the corner to see Donkey and Fiona still going, and knowing the dragon was behind him, he ran fast as he could.  
  
"RUN!" he screamed as he bolted along, and the three reached the wooden bridge, but no time to stop and go slowly, they ran as fast as they could an the dragon paused to breath out another long flame at them, setting the bridge on fire.  
  
The three screamed as the bridge collapsed, but grabbed onto the wooden planks that were still intact, but Donkey having no hands, lost his grip and fell, but was caught by Shrek in time. Fiona screamed as she saw the dragon take flight, but suddenly it couldn't move any more! The chains had been caught up in the sword, which had tightened around the alters, so the dragon couldn't fly any further.  
  
Donkey fainted with relief as Shrek hauled him to safety, leaving the dragon, who looked very upset about the loss of her love. 


End file.
